Then again, we cannot forget these chilling remarks only Napoleon Solo can come up with when faced with an unusual situation. We suspect those comments to be part of a self-defence mechanism designed to let him cope with the very harsh reality of his job. Those specific commentaries, along with some of his patented suave charm and sarcastic quips, represent what we have come to recognise as "napoleonisms."

1. (Relieved to see his partner still alive and well even though he is buried in hard cement.) I'm glad you're still with us. I see you got to the bottom of things with your usual alacrity. (The Super Colossal Affair)
2. Calling a very smelly Illya after he disarmed a stink bomb. Open Channel D. Come in little flower, how are you doing? (The Super Colossal Affair)
3. When Illya arrives to the rescue after Napoleon came pretty close to losing his life. It's about time. What did you do? Walk all the way? (The Dippy Blonde affair)
4. NS: Weren't you a little cold without your jacket?
   IK: Actually, it was rather warm! (The Never Never Affair)
5. IK: (While Napoleon is being chained next to Illya) I see you came to rescue me.
   NS: Wait'll you hear my plan. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
6. Even after realising the enemy is in fact Napoleon, Illya does not lower his gun. I said I was sorry. I mean, how did I know that you'd have the brains to get free on your own?(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
7. IK: (Realising he just complimented Napoleon Solo and not a stranger, as he first thought) I should have known it was you when I saw you trip over your own feet!
   NS: (Fingering Illya's burnous.) Gee! I wish I had a dress like that.(The Arabian Affair)
8. In answer to Sophie's question to Illya's whereabouts Oh, you keep him, eh? Well, I think that limping bunny there is... eh... the one you... eh... (To the ex-thrushie, speaking of Illya) Very disturbed young man.(The Arabian Affair)
9. Masquerading as a rickshaw driver in Hong Kong. IK: Napoleon, how long do I have to keep this up? My feet are getting cold.
   NS: Well, your suffering distresses me, but not very much. (The Hong Kong Shilling Affair)
10. IK: Mr. Mozart just came in here and made away with the honey . . . and Tavia.
    NS: This isn't your day, is it? I will try and cover for you. (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
11. NS: The reviews aren't exactly "buffo," are they?
    IK: "Buffo?"
    NS: Yes, that's "box office" to foreigners. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
12. NS: By the way, do you know anything about pluming?
    IK: Yes; you turn the tap counter clockwise for warm and clockwise for cool.
    NS: That's very good. Keep it clockwise. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
13. As Janet approaches him and Illya. My good man, would you take this and buy yourself a bar of soap. You're a dirty guy. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
14. Janet Jarrod: (Speaking of Illya during the show.) Isn't he great?
    NS: Not bad, if you like one-man bands. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
15. Janet Jarrod: Illya . . . Illya is not in show business, is he?
    NS: Well, eh, that's debatable. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
16. Terry: (As she unties Napoleon.) That Colonel Nexor, he says he's not Colonel Nexor at all; he's your friend Illya.
    NS: Our friendship is being strained. (The Gurnius Affair)
17. Well, it's not what you've done, Dr. Matsu, it's what might be done to you. (To Illya posing as the taxi driver.) All right, home Steph! (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
18. To Illya still in taxi driver garb. All right, you stay here and cover the front of the house . . . Spike! (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
19. After he finds Illya out cold on the ground. How do you feel? (Not getting an answer ha looks at the back of Illya's head.) You're gonna have a lump on your head. (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
20. Waverly: (Talking about Illya's credentials.) Black belt in judo, did post-graduate work Sorbonne, PhD Cambridge . . .
    NS: Dead languages, wasn't it? (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
21. NS: (As Illya frees him from a canon about to fire.) Next time, try not to wait to the last minute. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
22. NS: I thought you had a little more style than to try an old trick like that.
    IK: I don't know what you mean.
    NS: A money clip. I'm surprised at you. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)

1. Suzy: Hold on to me or I'll take off any minute.
   NS: Happy Halloween! (The Very Important Zombie Affair)
2. After knocking out the sailor who was trying to block his escape from the armoury where Napoleon has been doing a little shopping for explosives. You think we should ask him for trading stamps? (The Shark Affair)
3. Stopping the tape of a baby crying after an undercover female thrushie escaped him. He just had to be burped. (The Project Strigas Affair)
4. After their plan to get rid Kurasov has failed. Well, there goes the ballgame! (The Project Strigas Affair)
5. Michael Donfield: But that's absolutely diabolical.
   NS: We try. (The Project Strigas Affair)
6. (To two U.N.C.L.E. security agents waiting for them after Mandy trapped both of them in an elevator.) All right, gentlemen, put away your tubes. (Tapping his head and indicating Mandy.) Just a personal malfunction. (The Never Never Affair)
7. After shooting down a THRUSH agent through a cinema screen. Too bad, he'll never know how it came out. (The Never Never Affair)
8. (To the train controller after knocking out the bad guy who was supposed to bring Napoleon to Partridge.) Good help is a little hard to find these days. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
9. After he released the mechanism that had the gamekeeper ran-through by an arrow. I just don't know how I do these things. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
10. Seeing Inuits armed with spears waiting for them. I think I have a further question. (The Yukon Affair)
11. Waverly: Enough of this hypnotic gas to put half of Southern California to sleep. Destroy it, Mr. Solo, at whatever the cost.
    NS: Including me, of course. (To Illya) You know, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm terribly expendable. (The Deadly Toys Affair)
12. Rollo: Lillian, I want you to inject this man with the Minus X now.
    NS: You mind telling me what effect this Minus X business has? I mean, is it, you know, mustard gas, athlete's foot? (The Minus X Affair)
13. Rollo: You know, actually we're doing you a favour, Mr. Solo. The Minus X wears off, but if we kill you before you get out of the drug state, you'll have so much less pain and trepidation.
    NS: You're a swell fellow. (The Minus X Affair)
14. Waverly: How's the head Mr. Solo?
    NS: It... ah... hurts. (The Love Affair)
15. Caught by the old men. It looks like it's going to be a bad afternoon.(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
16. To a Thrush guard regarding the procedure to open a very full-proof vault. All right! You're going out to that intercom system and you're going to page your Mr. Norman. Keep in mind that right behind you is one very nervous, and one very well-dressed homicidal maniac.(The Arabian Affair)
17. After discovering the protective clothing in a closet. Somebody's children having a Halloween party?(The Arabian Affair)
18. In front of the body of one of Thrush's villains. Tom Simpson: What . . . what happened to her?
    NS: Well, it seems the goddess Khali has called for one of her own. (The Yellow Scarf Affair)
19. IK: Quite a young man this Ricardo.
    NS: (After Illya unknowingly fires the acid-filled water pistol and narrowly misses Napoleon.) Yeah, he is, isn't he? (The Children's Day Affair)
20. Cigarette Girl: (Putting a gun to Napoleon's back.) If you'll just step to the back of the casino.
    NS: Serves me right for over-tipping. (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
21. Finding their source dead in the powder room. Whatever she wanted to tell us, I guess we'll have to find out for ourselves. (The Off-Broadway Affair)

1. Smart Russian! (The Never Never Affair)
2. Of course, he must try to stay in competition as well; therefore, when he shoots a bad guy over his shoulder he doesn't want to be left behind
   IK: How did you manage?
   NS: Smart American? (The Never Never Affair)
3. After Illya very cleverly defeated the giant bad guy. I'm proud of you! (The Napoleon's Tomb Affair)
4. NS: Illya is also not always what he seems.
   Elfie van Donk: But you told me that he was the criminal type.
   NS: Yes, and if we don't rescue him immediately, he'll probably wind up the defunct type. (The Deadly Toys Affair)
5. Partridge: You don't seem to be surprised to learn that your colleague is in good health and safekeeping.
   NS: Oh, I never doubted it for a minute. (The Yukon Affair)
6. Seeing himself very close to the unthinkable -- a shotgun wedding. Illya, come in little friend, will you? (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
7. Waverly: We'll reduce this island and everything on it to rubble.
   NS: Sir, you can't do that.
   Waverly: I beg your pardon?
   NS: Well, Illya, sir. Strago missed out with me. If he's on that island, he's got Illya with him. (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
8. Waverly: Well, we owe you quite a debt of gratitude, young lady. Thank you very much for your help.
   Tavia: Oh, I owe everything to Mr. Kuryakin.
   Waverly: Oh.
   Tavia: We all do!
   Waverly: Yes. I suppose you have recovered rather well, Mr. Kuryakin. Goodbye, Miss Sandor.
   NS: I knew you could do it . . . with a little help. (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
9. Untying Illya. The show just wouldn't be the same without you. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
10. As Napoleon is brought in front of Nexor/Illya and he can see for himself that his partner is alive and well. I can't say I'm surprised, Colonel. (The Gurnius Affair)
11. After Illya opens the safe. You're a smart Russian. (The King of Diamonds Affair)

1. Joanna: Do you read Russian? How exciting! You know, I can't even put a sentence together properly in English.
   NS: Really? Well, with everything else so nicely put together, it doesn't really matter, does it? (The Deadly Toys Affair)
2. Geisha: (To Illya, learning that Napoleon has never visited a Geisha House.) Then we must show your friend the ancient tea ceremony. Most traditional. Shows virtues of hospitality and a quiet contemplation of feminine beauty.
   NS: Oh! Well, I'm all in favour of that. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
3. IK: (Speaking of the procession.) Very impressive.
   NS: (Obviously speaking of Pia) Yes. It is! (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
4. Waking up to Pia kissing him. How much of this did I miss? (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
5. Servant Girl: Everything I've got is at your disposal. That is, almost everything.
   NS: I knew there was a catch. (The Foreign Legion Affair)
6. Having been dispatched to help Illya in Fort Sablon and, as a consequence, loosing the girl's 'graces.' I have . . . very few regrets in my life. This may be one of them. (The Foreign Legion Affair)
7. Barbara: I can't believe it! I'm really on my way home to get married. I don't know how to thank you Mr. Solo.
   NS: I think we can find a way. (The Foreign Legion Affair)
8. Maharaja Purbhani: The reality lies with those like Deirdre who live in the present.
   NS: Yes, Deirdre is an exceptionally . . . handsome monument to the present. (The Yellow Scarf Affair)
9. Speaking of Deirdre's appearance in traditional garments Seeing you in that sari, I can understand your uncle's sense of loss. I would hate to see all of the beautiful and graceful things pushed out of the world in this rush for modernisation. (The Yellow Scarf Affair)
10. NS: (As Linda Lamontière bumps into him.) I'm sorry!
    Linda: Oh, it was my fault.
    NS: Well, it was my . . . pleasure. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
11. After she declines Napoleon's offer to take her back to her apartment. Janet Jarrod: Please, I'll feel much more like talking tomorrow night.
    NS: All right. Only slightly offended, he bade her goodnight. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
12. Janet Jarrod: I do mean it. You better go; I have my reputation to protect.
    NS: Mmm, I see. Well, you destroyed mine. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
13. After being rescued from the wind tunnel by Corinne. Corinne: You feel better now?
    NS: That time in the wind tunnel, you do make it seem all worthwhile. (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
14. NS: Solo, here.
    Waverly: Exactly where is "here," Mr. Solo?
    NS: Well, I'm with a rather attractive photographer, sir. (The Gurnius Affair)
15. Duane: Miss Burgoyne is head of the physical culture department.
    NS: Well, I can certainly see she meets all the requirements. (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
16. Miss Burgoyne: You see, Duane is the only male on campus. You're a new rooster in a hen house, Mr. Solo.
    NS: Well, I've certainly been in worse barnyards, Miss Burgoyne. (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
17. IK: How are things at the school?
    NS: Well, as a matter of fact, I just got kicked out bag and baggage for entertaining a member of the faculty in my room.
    IK: I presume she was female.
    NS: Very, yes. (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
18. Victoria: Somehow I feel very safe with you.
    NS: Well, under ordinary circumstances that would not necessarily be true. I'm definitely not the brotherly type. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
19. Waverly: (After hearing Victoria sneeze.) That definitely was not a plum pudding I just heard, Mr. Solo.
    NS: I can assure you tat she is equally delectable, sir. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
20. NS: Beautiful moon, here. How is your moon?
    Wanda: I don't know: no windows.
    NS: Never mind, I'll share this one with you. To begin with, it's a little different than the moon we have at home. The moon we have here is a girl moon, and her eyes are open wide, and her mouth is open in the shape of an "o" because she's just been kissed. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
21. To a very irate female nurse who has been refused entrance to an all-male club. I'd offer you my shoulder to cry on, but we haven't been formally introduced. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
22. After sneaking behind Joanna Sweet on her balcony. You should be saying: "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" (The Bridge of Lions Affair)

1. Elfie van Donk: Now it is I who decide when and where you go, not Noubar Telemakian.
   NS: Attagirl! Don't take anything from men. (The Deadly Toys Affair)
2. Geisha Girl: (pointing the agents' weapons revealed by the loss of their coats.) Those guns: old American tradition?
   NS: Yeah, old West. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
3. Guard: But the casbah is not the place for a casual stroll. Especially not for a well-dressed stranger.
   NS: This happens to be my oldest suit. (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
4. Pierrot: So, you'll not bring Janine to me, eh?
   NS: No, Mr. Waverly is sensitive about things like that. He's from Boston, you know. (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
5. IK: (Brightly) Good morning!
   NS: (Barely able to open his own eyes) Good morning. Nobody has any reason to be that cheerful this early in the morning. Or have you? (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
6. As the poet Affi so truly observed, rhinestones are a boy's best friend. (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
7. Napoleon looking with surprise at the considerably smaller amount of money in his wallet.
   Pia: Ben, there is no insurance. But you are so rich, eh?
   NS: I was. (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
8. Fingers: You want to get married, or you want to get dead?
   NS: Right now, I wanta my mother! (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
9. Tom Simpson: Now! Why don't you sit down and have your breakfast while we have a little chat.
   NS: Well, I tell you, I prefer a food taster first . . . but you go ahead; you chat. (The Yellow Scarf Affair)
10. Asked by Deirdre what he is doing in a cage with the statue of Khali Well, actually, right now, not much of anything. I'm just . . . standing around here. (The Yellow Scarf Affair)
11. Bernie: (Pulling the tape from Napoleon's mouth but leaving him tied up.) I'm sorry, I can't work for you any longer, Mr. Solo, I've got a better offer. Heavenly, wait for me!
    NS: Well, nevertheless, thanks! (The Hong Kong Shilling Affair)
12. After taking a little boy who attacked them in custody. Well, boys will be . . . (The Children's Day Affair)
13. After knocking the villain baker on the counter top. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Very unsanitary! (The Children's Day Affair)
14. Waverly: A most remarkable escape, I must say. No unpleasant after effects, I trust?
    NS: No, nothing . . . except the crease in my trousers hasn't been quite the same. (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
15. NS: You have a system.
    Ellias Swan: Theory of probability.
    Other gambler: (To Napoleon.) What's your system?
    NS: Oh, clean living and a pure heart. (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
16. Janet Jarrod: A month! We are sold out for a month, can you imagine?
    NS: Just think what you could do with Lou Borne reviews. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
17. Janet Jarrod: She always said: "the show must go on!" Always.
    NS: She was quite a conversationalist. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
18. Thug #1: Yeah, like, don't go near the broad . . .
    Thug #2: anymore . . .
    Thug #1: at all. You see, a friend of hers likes it that way.
    Thug #2: That way!
    NS: Gee! I thought that kind of dialogue went out along with high-buttoned shoes. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
19. IK: (After saving Napoleon from the fountain in Central Park.) I can't say I approve much of your choice of swimming pools.
    NS: It would be all right if they just didn't put so much chlorine in the water. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
20. With Corinne, after having seen the "spaceship" for the first time. Your boyfriend doesn't do anything halfway, does he? (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
21. Terry: My camera is broken.
    NS: I'm all right, thank you. (The Gurnius Affair)
22. As he realises they are being followed. IK: It looks like we've got company. There's another.
    NS: Three's a crowd. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
23. Thug: Well, well, well, well, this cargo is more precious than I thought. Where's your other partner, Mr. Solo?
    IK: I'm sorry, there was only room for two in the carton. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
24. Madame De Sala: Everything here concerns me. Do you think because she is a model, you may just come in and just . . . just . . .
    NS: Scout's honour; "just, just" is the last thing on my mind. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
25. Blocked by a guard at the entrance of Sir Norman Swickert's estate. You're standing in the middle of the driveway. It's very dangerous; people get hurt that way. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
26. Sir Norman: Did you see Bainbridge's hands, how steady they were?
    NS: When I saw him he was dead. Everyone's hands are steady when they're dead. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
27. Wanda: . . . Sir Norman Swickert took the child into his home to bring her up.
    NS: It's a good beginning for a Victorian novel. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
28. Removing a mannequin lying on top of his partner. Have you been introduced? (The Bridge of Lions Affair)

Disclaimer: The Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin, Napoleon Solo, Alexander Waverly, and their colleagues at U.N.C.L.E. headquarters don't belong to us (sigh). We only borrow them for a while with every intention of giving them back as good as new (almost). They were born out of Norman Felton's genius mind and Sam Rolfe's exceptional creativity where they were copyrighted by MGM inc./United Artists and Arena Productions ©1964.

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Page created 24 April 1998. Last updated 6 July 2003 at 8:45 PM.

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