Illya-isms

One of the most interesting characteristic of our favourite Russian agent is the fact that he is extremely guarded and introverted. So much so that most of his observations have been uttered under the safe anonymity of his own thoughts, letting themselves be known only through subtle facial expressions. Others, however, have been targeted at unfortunate people who, willingly or unwillingly, got Illya trapped in some unusual situation or another. We may not forget either the agent's tendency to let his guard down when he finds himself in familiar surroundings, mainly in the company of his friend and colleague, Napoleon Solo. Those surprising little comments have become, in our vocabulary, illya-isms and we would like to draw your attention to some of the more memorable ones.

Keep in mind that the following page is still under construction, which means that we will come up with new illya-isms as soon as we verify their absolute accuracy by watching the episodes yet again.

Some of Illya's thoughts reserved for his partner's ears alone:

(Stuck in a tower where very nasty thrushies are about to attack Illya) Napoleon? I hate to trouble you with trivia but I think I'm about to get killed and it struck me that perhaps you might want to say good-bye. (The Dippy Blonde Affair)
(After informing Mr. Waverly that they lost the formula) Do you think it's a good time to tell him we wrecked the car? (The When in Roma Affair)
IK: Napoleon, you may well pass as a buyer...
NS: But?
IK: But a salesman you're not! (The Hot Number Affair)
(Seeing the future husband eyeing the secretary while his fiancée is watching) Do you think they are going to live happily ever after? (The When in Roma Affair)
Mr. Kuryakin of the Goldwood chain? Oy! (The Hot Number Affair)
IK: Comedy is the fly that lands on the corpse of tragedy.
NS: Who said that? Pushkin?
IK: My grandmother! (The Pieces of Fate Affair)
NS: And where were you all this time?
IK: Trying to read your smoke signals. They're even more illegible than your handwriting! (The Waverly Ring Affair)
NS: George Dennell has a Waverly ring.
IK: What would life be without its little surprises? (The Waverly Ring Affair)
NS: If there's a burial plot afoot, sir, Illya and I will uncover it.
IK: Would you mind keeping me out of your morbid puns, please? (The Super Colossal Affair)
NS: I think I'm beginning to enjoy the family life.
IK: You haven't met all your in-laws, yet. (The Super Colossal Affair)
How corny can you get? Striped suit, green hat band and a girlie magazine under the left arm. Do you think Mr. Waverly's overdoing it a bit? (The Very Important Zombie Affair)
NS: No message from the manicurist.
IK: Well, it couldn't possibly be that you over estimated the effects of your charms on the young lady? (The Very Important Zombie Affair)
(Upon the arrival of several bad guys) Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that we are about to become a captive audience. (The Very Important Zombie Affair)
(To Napoleon, after seeing him comfortably kissing Jojo while he himself fought off the thrushie in the pouring rain) We do work well together, don't we? (The Dippy Blonde Affair)
(To a very depressed Napoleon who has lost the girl to Waverly) Well, we have each other! (The Deep Six Affair)
(When Illya and Napoleon receive orders to investigate England's top U.N.C.L.E. agent) It's a sad state of affairs when we can't trust our fellow U.N.C.L.E. agents. (The Deep Six Affair)
NS: Illya? We're in need of your special talents. Are you free?
IK: No man is free who has to work for a living. But I'm available. (The Bow Wow Affair)
(Upon seeing Napoleon's obvious leg wound) So they got you at last! Who was it? The Mafia, Thrush, the narcotics mob? (The Bow Wow Affair)
NS: Mr Waverly has a cousin who wears polka dot pyjamas.
IK: (Puzzled) Well, we all have our weaknesses. (The Bow Wow Affair)
NS: I'm taking care of it.
IK: With a sprained knee?
NS: Only one extremity is out of order, the other one is working overtime.
IK: Well, that must be quite a strain for you. I'll bring you back some vitamin. (The Bow Wow Affair)
(After learning that Napoleon included him as a bait for a scheme) I'll have his teeth for cuff links! (The Bow Wow Affair)
NS: Illya, I think we're both still working on the same case.
IK: (Very excited by the prospect) But instead of being at our own dead-ends, we are now at the same dead-end together. (The Shark Affair)
(Giving his own recipe of Kurasov's character) One part Molotov, one part Von Ribbentrop, salt with Genghis Khan, and garlic with Machiavelli. (The Project Strigas Affair)
NS: You have any ideas, Illya?
IK: How can I have ideas? I'm dead. (The Project Strigas Affair)
NS: Illya, I want you to stay here and wait for Mr. Linkwood, and then, bring him home alive and unmarked.
IK: (Angry) Must you qualify your requests?! (The Project Strigas Affair)
NS: (Speaking of the skeleton chained between them) Who's your roomie?
IK: Superman. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
(Talking about Napoleon's close call with a brick of Quadrillenium X) It would have been a poor way to go, Napoleon. (The Yukon Affair)
NS: (While tied to his partner in an igloo) Well, the reception comity was quite commendable, but the accommodation leaves much to be desired.
IK: We'll complain to our travel agent. (The Yukon Affair)
NS: Mr. Waverly will not be amused if our hunt for Partridge ends up with two dead pigeons.
IK: Neither will I. (The Yukon Affair)
(When Murphy still comes at them with a knife even though Napoleon promised to get her into the Miss Universe contest) I think you overstated the case. (The Yukon Affair)
(Both recuperating at the hospital after everything is over)
NS: Gee, I've always wanted to throw one of those things [a harpoon].
IK: Well, now you know how Captain Ahab felt when he harpooned Moby Dick.
NS: I don't see what you're so cheery about: you don't look so healthy either.
IK: Oh, I don't know. It feels good to rest up for a bit. (The Yukon Affair)
(Critically eyeing a very battered-looking Napoleon who comes back after being nearly run over by a truck) That's the third suit in three days. (The Minus X Affair)
IK: All right, I'll be in directly. Mr. Solo can stay here and rest up a bit.
Waverly: Rest? Rest what for?
IK: He was run over by a truck.
NS: A large truck.
IK: A small truck. (Followed by Napoleon's threat to hit Illya) (The Minus X Affair)
NS: How's your headache?
IK: Nicely throbbing, thank you. (The Minus X Affair)
(Looking at yet another pair of Napoleon's ruined pants) Mr. Waverly is gonna love that. (The Minus X Affair)
NS: Can't you put a little more muscle behind it, Gondolier?
IK: (Not at all phased) I'm sorry, Signore, I can't row any faster. But I can sing Solo Mio if you wish.
NS: No thanks, I'll pass. (The Galatea Affair)
NS: (Talking of the Baroness de Chasseur) I imagine she'd like to know who's behind those curtains too.
IK: And wouldn't you like to be the one to tell her. (The Galatea Affair)
NS: (speaking about a very scantily clad daughter) Don't just stand there and be a gentleman; give her your coat.
IK: She seems more like your size to me. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Geisha Girl: (Obviously proud of having knocked out both agents with only their paper fans) Perhaps U.N.C.L.E. would like to hire geisha girls with fans for special assignments.
NS: Excellent idea. Why don't you submit that to Mr. Waverly, Illya?
IK: Well, if it's so very excellent an idea, I suggest you present it to Mr. Waverly yourself. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
NS: If I'm not back in thirty minutes you can start a revolution.
IK: That, would be my pleasure! (The Love Affair)
NS: It's too bad they didn't put you in a cast; I would've autographed it.
IK: Very amusing. Tell me Napoleon, why don't these things never happen to you anymore?(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
NS: Illya, how do you feel?
IK: I feel fine. I just had an alcohol rub and I think she's gonna powder me next.
NS: I need you immediately.
IK: Napoleon, my pores are still open!(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
NS: Now, I'm counting on you, offendi.
IK: Don't you always? (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
NS: Well, in a word we're lost.
IK: Oh, Napoleon, you've done it again!(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
IK: Napoleon, where are you?
NS: Well, right now I'm being administered onto by a very beautiful young lady.
IK: Forgive me. I should have known!(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
(While the Stiletto brothers are taking Napoleon away for a second take of the shotgun wedding.) Fingers: (to Illya) Not you!
NS: (to Illya) See ya!
IK: I hope so. (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
(Realising that the bad guy they hold at gun point is actually each other's partner)NS: Hi!
IK: Hi, there! (Illya's arms get released from the Stiletto brothers' grip and Napoleon lowers his gun.) You know I'm getting tired of violence? (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
(Arriving with Miss Diketon, while Napoleon has enlisted the help of the Stiletto brothers.) IK: I bring Lucrecia Borgia and you bring the Mafia... (chuckles) we're in great shape!
(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
NS: Now, we've got three things to do: rescue Pia, destroy that sound barrier contraption, and stop the launching of the missile.
IK: Is that all? (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
NS: There's one thing; we better leave before those bombers get here.
IK: (clearly exhausted) Do we have to swim? (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
After waking up on the boat and finding they are alone and adrift in the middle of the ocean. IK: (To Napoleon, pulling a communicator from his sock) How do I inject dignity into the word 'help'?
NS: You don't. You swallow your pride and hope Mr. Waverly sends out a sea plane.(The Seven Wonders of the World Affair)
Finding out about all the inconsequential objects stolen along with the kidnapped victims. IK: What are we supposed to do? Check every petty theft in the world?(The Seven Wonders of the World Affair)
Realising that he just complimented Napoleon Solo instead of a stranger. IK: I should have known it was you when I saw you trip over your own feet! (The Arabian Affair)
NS: Illya! Illya, we're here!
IK: You're five minutes late! You know, you're getting completely undependable. (The Foreign Legion Affair)
Handing Napoleon the Pine Tree Shilling. A souvenir from Hong Kong. Take it home to your family. (The Hong Kong Shilling Affair)
NS: (Speaking of Bernie comfortably getting to know Heavenly behind the bar at the Smiling Fish.) Boy just never stops looking for trouble, does he?
IK: Well, he's safe now . . . in the arms of the law. (The Hong Kong Shilling Affair)
After Napoleon's plan to escape fails and he stays needlessly perched on top of the prison door. (Smugly, while going back inside.) You coming? (The Children's Day Affair)
After putting the bomb intended for them in the villain's car and witnessing the explosion. Too bad; he did have the right of way, you know. (The Children's Day Affair)
NS: I'll take the one on the roof. You draw their fire. See if you can get that gun and cover me.
IK: (Being shot at in the process of complying.) What if I tried for the roof and you go for the gun? (The Children's Day Affair)
Waverly: Which brings us to Ellias Swan, one of the world's most renowned entomologist, and equally renowned compulsive gambler.
IK: He published an article not long ago advancing the theory of breading the new super bee. (pointedly to Napoleon.) Did you read it? (The Birds and the Bees Affair)
NS: I know one of the girls in the show.
IK: After those reviews, I have a feeling if you don't hurry you'll miss her. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
NS: (Untying Illya.) The show just wouldn't be the same without you.
IK: It's nice to be missed. (The Off-Broadway Affair)
Dr. Cool: How much you gentlemen know about radio astronomy?
NS: Very little.
IK: Good deal. (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
Slipping out of his Maximilian Nexor personae for Napoleon's benefit. What am I going to do with you, Mr. Solo? (The Gurnius Affair)
NS: (Enduring torture by slow electrocution at the hands of "Nexor" for the villains' benefit.) I can't stand much more.
IK: You're not as young as you used to be, Mr. Solo. (The Gurnius Affair)
Being pursued by several cars and being unable to shake any without finding others after them.IK: Lose one, win one.
NS: Where's the party?
IK: I think we're the party! (The King of Diamonds Affair)
While Napoleon and Illya are crawling around London's underground.IK: If you must get us lost, could you do it a bit faster?
NS: Quiet! And stop pushing. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
NS: (As Illya frees him.) Next time, try not to wait to the last minute.
IK: Next time, try not to go the far of the Amazon. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
NS: How would you like to go for a little ride in the country? Sir Norman Swickert has a lovely place in the country.
IK: If I can't get an explanation for what you're talking about, I'll settle for the ride. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
Hearing Napoleon explaining his "death" due to shear fright. Next time, you'll play dead and I'll make up the reasons why. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
IK: The doctor booby-trapped the machine. It said so in his notes.
NS: (Affecting a Scottish accent.) Aye! Well, thanks for letting me know, lad.
IK: (Talking about a dead Jordin.) At least he won't have to worry about getting any older. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)

What Illya shared with the rest of the world under unusual circumstances:

(After incapacitating the leader of an important Thrush coup) Say 'uncle'. Come on, say it you Bumpkin! (The Dippy Blonde Affair)
(To the young manicurist seeking their help--and shower--in getting out of the country) Your towel is slipping! (The Very Important Zombie Affair)
(Looking for a very important Thrush document hidden in the pattern of a dress) We cannot learn anything more from that picture. (Looks at Solo zooming the photograph in and out endlessly) Though Mr. Solo seems to be enjoying himself with it! (The Hot Number Affair)
Luther Sebastian: Don't forget I can only open the safe if I'm alive.
IK: If I fail, I'm willing to take full responsibility. (The Prince of Darkness Affair)
Thrush agent: Sorry, we are closed for the day.
IK: Oh, what a shame! And I'd come such a long way, too. (Then shoots him with a tranquilliser dart) (The Waverly Ring Affair)
Carriago: This is Mister, uh...
IK: Kuryakin.
Carriago: Boy! They sure do come up with beautiful names, don't they?
IK: I like it! (The Super Colossal Affair)
Allison: Do you believe in Gypsies?
IK: No, of course not. They're just a figment of the imagination. (The Bow Wow Affair)
Baldwin: (After being warned of a possible attack) Oh, but I don't scare so easily.
IK: I always worry about people who aren't scared when they ought to be. (The Bow Wow Affair)
Baldwin: Remind me to commend you to my cousin, Alexander, for great devotion to duty.
IK: It's almost my only weakness. (The Bow Wow Affair)
(After he's been hit thrice by the same woman who tried to help Illya against a suspicious fellow) Oh, please, do me a favour; next time, help him. (The Shark Affair)
(To the bad guy they intercepted) You will have realised by now that this taxi is not in general service around town. It belongs to U.N.C.L.E. and it is used primarily to transport people, to our headquarters, whom we wish to have deep and soul searching discussions with. As for example, you. (The Shark Affair)
Michael Donfield: (Thinking Illya really committed suicide to avoid capture) Illya, you didn't really?
IK: No, I didn't really. But when Mr. Waverly finds out what happened I'll wish I have. (The Project Strigas Affair)
Michael Donfield: He almost swallowed the hook.
IK: Almost: a word that stick edgewise in the throat of strangled ones. Still, it was a lovely scheme. (The Project Strigas Affair)
Linkwood: (Over a supposedly dead Illya Kuryakin) No, no, no, I thought you'd be gone.
IK: But where would I go?
Linkwood: But, I thought you were dead.
IK: Then this should not hurt you at all. (Hits him) (The Project Strigas Affair)
(After everything is over and Kurasov is escorted back to his country) I'd give you a pill but it failed to work with me, you see. (The Project Strigas Affair)
Partridge: This lovely country side and the unspoiled hills beyond for twenty miles are all mine.
IK: I'll hold my applause 'til later, if you don't mind. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
(Looking around the torture chamber Partridge is so proud of) Every home should have a recreation room. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
The gamekeeper: (Speaking of the enclosure keeping a very ferocious wolf trapped) Would you like for me to open the gate?
IK: No, that's not necessary, thank you. I'll consider myself captured. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
Edith Partridge: (Waving a hot poker in Illya's direction) And that is for the other young man.
IK: You really don't need to go through all that bother. (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
(After sending Waverly to Napoleon for an explanation.)
Peggy Durance: Illya!
IK: (Remorseless) Well, here's the spy business for you: you can't trust anyone! (Then honks naggingly to his heart's content.) (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
NS: (Hands securely tied to a beam) I wouldn't want you to sustain any great financial loss.
Partridge: My investment looks quite secure.
IK: (Sneaking up behind Partridge) You should sell while the market is high. (The Yukon Affair)
Murphy: (In the middle of a brawl) Oh, I seem to have caused some trouble.
IK: Yes, well, life's too valuable to spend even a single minute of it in remorse. (The Yukon Affair)
Joanna: Now I know what you are. You're not a professional Romeo at all; you're a professional cat burglar.
IK: We both have certain things in common: we're always slipping out of second floor windows. (The Deadly Toys Affair)
Joanna: Campfire at a time like this? What are you trying to be? A boy scout?
IK: Perhaps. It's an admirable organisation. (The Yukon Affair)
IK: (Stuck in the brig) Look here, my friend...
MP: Sir.
IK: Look here, sir, chow has been over for twenty minutes.
MP: I called security twice already. They'll get back to me when they can and until they do, you just keep it buttoned up, fellow. (Then seeing Illya brooding--Who can resist that? J ) Here, have some coffee.
IK: (Doesn't even look at him) It keeps me awake. (The Minus X Affair)
(Panicked, after closely avoiding the flame supposed to burn through the lock of his cage) Try to avoid me: I burn easily. (We strongly believe that it was more a Davidism than an Illya-ism, but it is something Illya would have said anyway. J ) (The Galatea Affair)
Sandy: (After being told that she has to go with a female agent for her protection) Hey, listen! I don't want to go with her; I wanna be with you.
IK: When in Rome, do as U.N.C.L.E. says. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Sandy: I'm not gonna stay cooped up here. I'm gonna run away; this is London, this is where the action is!
IK: Well, our orders are where the action is. You ain't. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Sandy: (Hearing the villain order a cognac) That's what I need.
IK: Why? You're worried about Napoleon?
Sandy: Well, how long does it take to search a room?
IK: Well, it depends who's in it. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Waverly: What's your situation?
NS: Moderately desperate, sir.
IK: Correction: desperate. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Finding the wreckage of Napoleon's plane Steve:It's Mr. Solo's plane; he must be dead.
IK:(Clearly upset) Listen, if you don't have anything positive to say, why don't you just keep quiet! (The Seven Wonders of the World Affair)
Fighting older men and finding himself faced with a gun. Whose grandfathers are all you people?(The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
IK: (Going to save Pia) I'll take care of that end.
Miss Diketon: I'll take you part of the way.
IK: I wish your motives were nobler. (The Concrete Overcoat Affair)
Nurse: How do you keep your skin so soft?
IK: Olive oil. Lots of olive oil. (The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
Nurse: Monsieur Kuryakin, what are you doing out of bed?
IK:Getting my clothes.
Nurse: You can't have them!
IK: Oh, yes I can. Would you hand them over, please?
Nurse: I won't.
IK: If you won't, I shall leave without them.
Nurse: You wouldn't!
IK: Oh, wouldn't I? (Drops the sheet and walks towards the door)
Nurse: Monsieur Kuryakin!?!(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
Forced to hide in a hotel with the young lady he is trying to protect.
Janine: What would he say if he saw us?
IK: I won't tell if you won't.(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
Hotel clerk: Are you leaving so soon?
IK: Yes, we have to. You see, the young lady, she has a PTA meeting.(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
Janine: What are you doing now?
IK: That's an oubliette. A trap door. The colonel probably used it to get rid of bad customers, persistent bill collectors and old girlfriends.(The Come With Me to the Casbah Affair)
Sophie: Why did you take that bucket from me?
IK: To be polite, you silly little girl! Before you open that nasty, flapping little mouth of yours, I suggest that you study up a bit on trivial amenity called courtesy. No wonder you're still unmarried... at your age! (The Arabian Affair)
Commenting on the tools which are going to be used in the upcoming battle between himself and Sophie's father.
IK: How original; red hot pokers! (The Arabian Affair)
Sophie: If you should do harm to Sulador, I will�
IK: A skinny little fellow like me? Listen, why don't you take that sparsely furnished mind of yours and go and join the other elderly, unmarried women. (The Arabian Affair)
To Waverly on his way back from a solo mission.
IK: When I get to Paris, do I get some time to play? All work and no play make� (The Foreign Legion Affair)
Barbara: Oh, you would really love Bob if you knew him the way I do.
IK: Somehow I don't think that would be entirely possible. (The Foreign Legion Affair)
IK: Do you happen to have a short-wave radio set anywhere?
Rémi: Short wave? (Illya attacks him but gets effortlessly thrown back.)
IK: Wireless telegraphy?
Rémi: Ah!
IK: Crystal set?
Rémi: You make me laugh! (Another fruitless attack.)
IK: Carrier pigeons? (The Foreign Legion Affair)
After witnessing a shooting exercise executed by a young boy using Mr. Waverly's picture as a target. This school of yours is quite an innovation. (chuckles) I imagine the class reunions would be quite fascinating. (The Children's Day Affair)
Coco Cool: (About Illya's guitar playing.) Hey, you're good.
IK: Of course! (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
Coco Cool: Now you have to be practical. Think of the future. Do you want to be a nothing all your life?
IK: I'm sorry, but you can't win me by flattery. (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
Coco Cool: Wait, I'm going with you.
IK: No you're not; you'll be in my way.
Coco Cool: I'm going.
IK: That's what I said, you're going with me. (The Take Me to Your Leader Affair)
Miki: You're cute.
IK: Mmmm, maybe. (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
Trying to see what reaction Miki would have to Brahm's Lullaby. Miki: Why don't you tell me to do something--maybe that'll do it-- something drastic, like . . . jumping off a cliff.
IK: We don't have any cliffs. Why not try the balcony? (The Her Master's Voice Affair)
Waverly: Well, gentlemen, you seem to have survived rather nicely.
NS: Saved by a falling beam.
IK: (Pointedly holding a cloth to his head.) Almost, that is. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
NS: (To another U.N.C.L.E. agent.) Anything?
Agent 14: (Talking about Delgado.) No, he's still in there.
IK: What exactly did you mean by "foreign type"? (The King of Diamonds Affair)
(Holding his head.) Excuse me, I've been fighting a headache. (sneezes) And a cold. Personally, I prefer Thrush. (The King of Diamonds Affair)
U.N.C.L.E. agent: Around here they have a hobby of chopping your head off and then shrinking it.
IK: (Nursing a headache.) I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer it. (The King of Diamonds Affair)

And, of course, there are those rare instances when Illya voices his thoughts when he is sure that no other soul is around to hear (including the times when he's simply talking to himself):

(In the torture chamber, addressing the skeleton chained to the wall beside him about the noise that can be heard beyond the door) Are you expecting anyone? (The Gazebo in the Maze Affair)
IK: (Reading a map) 'You are here.' Yes, I know where we are, but we want to be where they're making the gold. (The Five Daughters Affair & The Karate Killers)
Talking to a cat who obviously doesn't want to leave Illya (Hey, who would? J) Don't just sit there, do something. Go away, you're free! How would you like a good swift . . . (The Bridge of Lions Affair)
Hello, kitty. What did they do to you? How did you become a little kitten? You were a big cat the last time I saw you. (The Bridge of Lions Affair)

Disclaimer: The Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin, Napoleon Solo, Alexander Waverly, and their colleagues at U.N.C.L.E. headquarters don't belong to us (sigh). We only borrow them for a while with every intention of giving them back as good as new (almost). They were born out of Norman Felton's genius mind and Sam Rolfe's exceptional creativity where they were copyrighted by MGM inc./United Artists and Arena Productions ©1964.

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